family movie night is the one thing i keep trying to nail even tho it usually ends with me yelling “WHO SPILLED THE SPRITE” at 8:47 pm on a friday. i’m in ohio rn, it’s like 42 degrees outside and my heat just clicked on for the third time tonight, wearing this ratty osu hoodie that smells faintly of last week’s taco night. the dog’s snoring on the ottoman, one kid’s already in pjs with toothpaste on the sleeve, and we’re arguing over whether moana counts as a “repeat” if we skipped the songs last time. these 15 safe picks are the ones that didn’t make me wanna yeet the remote into the backyard.
why family movie night is still worth the hassle (even when it’s a disaster)
our couch looks like a war zone, there’s a mystery cheeto stuck to the armrest and i swear the throw blanket has its own ecosystem. but when family movie night actually works?? it’s like the one hour nobody’s asking me for robux or why the sky’s blue. the dog chills, the kids stop fighting over the blue bowl, and i get to pretend i’m a functional parent for 90 minutes straight. Common Sense Media is my go-to for checking if a flick is actually kid-safe
rules i made up after too many meltdowns
- no trailers, my son will just want whatever’s next
- bathroom breaks whenever, i paused finding nemo for legit 17 minutes once
- snacks are non negotiable, if their mouths are full they’re not talking
- subtitles always bc the dog barks at air
the 15 safe picks we actually finished
- secret life of pets – our dog is 100% the duke character
- zootopia – sloth scene is our dmv anthem now
- moana – i know every word to “you’re welcome” send help
- paddington 2 – cried over jam on toast, i’m not ok
- coco – bring kleenex, like a whole box
- inside out – my kid says bing bong lives in the attic??
- kubo – pretty but my daughter asked if origami hurts
- lego movie – everything is awesome is stuck in my skull
- wall-e – we all want a robot boyfriend now
- tangled – flynn rider is my hall pass fight me
- big hero 6 – baymax hugs > therapy
- spiderverse – miles morales is cooler than me at 36
- mitchells vs machines – the furby attack is too real
- encanto – bruno is our family’s vibe
- luca – made me miss summer in november
hacks i wish someone told me sooner
hide the remote or your toddler WILL switch to youtube kids. blanket forts are mandatory, extra points if it falls during the big scene. check for jump scares first – coraline gave us nightmares for a week. also dim the lights but not too much or someone will trip over the dog bowl.
Disney+ has most of these in one spot so you’re not hunting dvds like it’s 2005.
movies we noped out of
- anything minions, my ears bleed
- lion king live action, why do the animals look like that
- over 2 hours? lol no
anyway
family movie night is messy and loud and half the time somebody’s crying over the last gummy worm but whatever. these 15 flicks survived my kids, my dog’s farts, and my attention span.
grab whatever popcorn isn’t burnt, squish on the couch, press play. if it flops you still get cuddles. if it works you might even get through the credits.
what’s your ride or die movie? tell me before next friday i’m running out of ideas (and patience)
