okay so before they were famous i was like 15?? 16?? sprawled on my best friends basement carpet in tacoma, doritos dust EVERYWHERE, hunting for tom hanks first role on this janky streaming site that kept buffering every 3 seconds. like the wig in bosom buddies (1980) looked like it got attacked by a weedwacker and i laughed so hard i snorted orange powder up my nose. still got the hoodie stain in my closet somewhere—proof i was obsessed with cringe before tiktok made it a personality. anyway.
why before they were famous hits like my old myspace page
every time i dig into these stars first roles its like scrolling thru my own cringe middle school pics but the acne is on future oscar winners. ryan gosling in breaker high (1997) with frosted tips and a soul patch that could file taxes?? i found the clip at 2am last week in my portland studio, rain smashing the skylight, cat staring at me like “touch grass.” paused it, zoomed in on his baby cheeks, whispered “mood” to the void.
the cameos that deserve hazard pay
- brad pitt in dallas (1987): shirtless cowboy extra, no lines, just existing. screenshotted it, sent to group chat: “when your gym thirst trap is basically an audition.”
- zendaya on shake it up (2010): disney glitter so bright it could’ve powered my block during the 2021 ice storm. my niece watches it, i “babysit” but really i’m studying hair flips.
- meryl in the deadliest season (1977): hockey tv movie?? suffered thru 240p youtube, her one teary closeup made me cry into instant ramen. here’s the imdb if u hate urself
my unhinged system for finding before they were famous gold
i got this google doc called “celebrity shame bingo” (don’t judge). rules: find the debut clip, rate the hair 1-10, screenshot the worst frame, text sister zero context. last month natalie portman doing calculus in léon (1994) while i was eating glue in algebra—rude. anyway here’s the method my adhd brain swears by:
- imdb trivia tab = treasure
- youtube accounts with 11 subs and cursed thumbnails
- pre-2000? pray to archive.org
- region lock = scream into pillow
the leo bowl cut that ended me
2018, housesitting in spokane, cat barfed on remote, accidentally bought growing pains s6 for $2.99. leonardo dicaprio’s first on-screen role (1991)—homeless kid, bowl cut, unibrow with a phd. laughed, cried, stared at my reflection in the tv like “we all start somewhere bro.” imdb link for masochists
pro tip from a hot mess
annotate the youtube comments like a maniac. i leave timestamps: “0:47 future titanic king learns eyebrows.” pair with gas station nachos, cheese grease = authenticity.
wait is this healthy? (no)
i’ll be at trader joe’s, see taquitos, suddenly flashback to jennifer lawrence on monk (2006) stress-eating the same brand. my cart becomes a shrine to before they were famous nostalgia. cashier side-eyes me, i side-eye myself, spiral continues. but real talk? these clips remind me nobody is born with an EGOT. we all got a bosom buddies skeleton.
wrapping this chaos burrito
before they were famous is my toxic comfort food. messy, human, proof my 2011 open mic poetry might age like wine (it wont). next time ur doomscrolling, find one of these trainwrecks. laugh. cry. send the link to a friend with “NO CONTEXT.”
spill the tea: drop ur fave stars first roles disaster in the comments—i’ll hit u with my unhinged take and a blurry screenshot. lets make bad tv a vibe.
(ps if u find a worse wig than hanks 1980 i’ll venmo u a coffee. fight me.)
wait did i spell dicaprio wrong up there?? whatever, you know who i mean.
